I feel uncertain.
For about the first time in my life.
Completely a new thing for me. And it provides possibly a bit of insight into the conditions some people suffer from.
Perhaps those that are depressed, possibly those that get driven to suicide.
For it’s not good, is it? For me it began with worrying over a problem I couldn’t find an answer to.
A personal problem. Concerning people.
Those are the hardest kind, aren’t they?
Worrying and worrying got nowhere good at all and got somewhere bad instead.
For I began to doubt myself. My own abilities. You can see how easily that might come about: you can’t find an answer therefore you are fallible, just how fallible?
And the answer, being a people thing, is in the direction of a human good. A ‘good’. Trying to find good answers for people issues. Segues into the realm of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ very easily, good and evil even.
So you (I) quickly begin to nurture thoughts, questions concerning one’s own innate goodness or perhaps badness.
And then again can find no certain answers. For there are no certain answers to those questions are there? No one is wholly good or wholly bad. In fact no thing is objectively ‘good’ or ‘bad’. All is relative.
The next step is where I started: Uncertainty. Not sure not only of what to do – that’s merely indecision; one could be a quite certain and positive person still indecisive about a particular choice – but uncertain of one’s ability to make a choice, to identify possibly choices, of not being the hidden ‘fly in the ointment’.
Doubting the self.
I doubt myself. Never ever did that before.
Don’t even really know what it means but I feel it.
And don’t like it.
But don’t know what to do about it.
I’m not certain.